Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Modern Drunkard's Stimulus Plan

Frank Kelly Rich unveils his plan on how we can STIMULATE our ailing economy:

  • Allow drinking on the job. So long as there isn’t risk to life or limb involved, workers would be allowed to have at it while on the clock. A pint of beer on every desk, a bottle of vodka in every watercooler, a giddy smile on every face. A great fleet of portable bars manned by singing bartenders should roll through every office building and factory like great harbingers of hope. Imagine the inspiration and motivation this would unleash. Chaps would be storming into work 15 minutes early, practically demanding to get down to business.
  • Force bars to stay open 24/7. That whole “last call” thing plainly smacks of defeatism. Millions of new bartending, cocktail waitress and cab driver jobs would open up (I think we already have enough bouncers), and it would foster a real sense that the nation is ready to get rolling again, at any possible moment. It would create more opportunity for entrepreneurs to hatch those brilliant schemes that can only be incubated in bars, like topless golf courses and round-the-clock hovercraft service to Vegas. Instead of moping around at home, absorbing yet another horrific bummer from the black-hearted media, citizens would be out amongst their own, ferociously stimulating the economy. Not to mention each other.
  • Every worker receives a six-pack, jug of wine or bottle of liquor with each paycheck. The effect would be immediate. It would not only serve to rid the workforce of a great deal of stress, it would instill massive amounts of consumer confidence. There’s nothing like a skinful of booze to make you want to go out and spread some capital around. It would galvanize the shiftless into getting jobs. Not to mention the boost it would give the alcohol industry—did you know the US beer industry alone employs 1.8 million people? With a little effort we can surely double that.

Read the complete editorial/rant here.

(via Modern Drunkard)

No comments: